Here is the day that I try. I try to write. I try to talk. I try to read. Everything is difficult. Mind wanders and lingers and falters. I am trying to focus on impermance in this blog but not to the exclusion of anything else. Impermance because I am coming to terms with the necessity of change in a life that has been searching for regularity. As a diabetic I have to establish patterns and habits that can replicate conditions and predict doses. This is fraught with peril. Firstly I am disinclined toward the highly regulated day. I like change. And now after years of attempting to maintain habits and regularity and set up patterns that support my main work, specifcally work in a collaborative performance group; my health in the face of living with diabetes and with insulin (four daily injections); earning some cash on the side (need money for supplies, don't I); and my identity; I have to change it all very seriously. The performance group will split up after our next performance and that's fine but now I find myself almost completely without portfolio (kind of forgot about that). So now I am sitting around imagining what comes next and finding ways to contemplate that. At the moment I may be stuck at "what is a wave?" but I am still hoping for clarity. I suppose I am also trying to find a way to value living in and for the moment since it appears that is what I have been doing for the past twenty years and I am wondering where it leaves me and with what.
Everything in this life is ephemeral. But within that I still need to understand my place and my importance and this feels slippery and inexplicable.
Oh, I just lost another white hair.
No comments:
Post a Comment