how do I make a performance

What is needed:
Interaction between two people
Is this performance?
Something very live or permeable
A surprise
Something funny
Can we reenact something?
Can we reveal something?

I need some kind of proof.
Proof of nearness or distance, proof of the effect of it, proof that we are all in the same room, proof that we are related or how are we related.

Maybe something personal. Maybe letters from home.
Where is the horizon? How do I get there?

Latitude is easy to chart by the moon and the stars.
A sailor needs a good clock to establish his longitude.
He needs to know what time it is back home.

What is the purpose of figures and calculations when it and time and property are all relative? Does my presence signal any kind of ownership?
How do I write this down? How do I show you that I am real? That this is me?
What can I tell you you don’t already know?
Is this the smallest tree you have ever seen?
Bonsai.
Wabi sabi.

Need a tree.
Miniature
Need the small car.
Small car travels the cityscape.
Need the feed to the video monitor.
Need my rear view mirror.

Grass.

The grass is greener if I describe it to you.

Objects may be closer than they seem.

I might need to name them. And mis-name them. Or re-name them.

I might need to tell you this is a tree and this is a car and this is a rug and this is a hat and this is a weapon of mass destruction and this is cancer and this is what is behind you.

No more Janet/Stay balanced

When I got the news that Janet died I came out of my body and stopped caring for a moment, stopped caring about my own self and what I should do. And then I didn’t add right and was angry and sorry and not thinking and I can’t afford to put the thinking aside and the counting and the measuring and I was overexposed in the insulin department, over by quite a few, enough to sock me in the head three or four times and I wasn’t making sense and then it was the first time I really lost my noodle a little bit.

I didn’t know about the glass of water and yes to it and getting it, there is time lost though I guess I was still there in some way and then I was confused. I didn’t know my self from the details of a show I had been watching on the DVD. I was mixed. I was combined with something else and I had to ask what happened. What was just happening? No, really what just happened here? give it to me step by step as if I wasn’t here. I think I lost some time. I think I lost five minutes. And I lost a little more self and I gave it away from being sad.

And now I have to not let that happen again. And I have to be more strong than I was before or just recently. And I have to not throw my body in the way of my hard feelings. And yes I am alive and if I cut that finger off it will not grow back. I have to remember that some things are for ever. I shouldn’t have to but I have to remind myself. I sense I have only so many turns, let’s say one hundred, to get it wrong and I have to keep it low—the number—so that I can survive until it’s time to die.

Janet, who I haven’t seen or spoken with in more than twenty years, got a new kidney from a friend in 2002 and then lived with the trouble it gave her until she died last summer and I didn’t know about it until today. And still it sucker punched me all the way to yesterday. I felt the need to see her and was making my plans. She would be there just like so many others who are out there, my satellites, my possibilities.

Even though I hadn’t seen her in years, I held her there in a place I could reach her and now that place has to be buried. Hard to bury a place that only exists in my head. Memories are there but possibilities not. No more this is what you are like now and this is me, no more remember when you took me as a child to the island, no more why was it like that for you. Now between the two of us it is only me.